Published February 2, 2010
This morning I woke up dead.
I hear them around me,
I can sense their presence.
They think I'm asleep.
They cant tell, They cant believe.
I try to move, to explain to them i can hear them.
Nothing. The life sucked out of my very being.
Alone in my shell I can Hear Them, feel Them,
Smell them, I wish I could say I can see them but alas,
my efforts are for naught,
for without the veil lifted from my eyes,
they are useless.
I wait, one minute passes,
then another.
The most dreaded part is yet to come.
The awakening,
I thought it would be pleasant,
the rise and fall of My chest has ceased,
dull pain is enveloping me,
agony, Then They come to my rescue,
They, my glorious guardian angels,
a rustle brings me back.
The veil is lifted.
My only hope being that it stays away,
for more than a few days before coming back for more.
But i know it wont.
For now rejoice as it is over.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,428 Literary Works • 674,409 Reviews
Other than grammatically i have no issue with my poem as it is about a condition that i actually have where my spine doesn't connect to my brain, it is what i imagine death being like. that is why it is waking up dead.
This is an interesting poem. I quite like it, though it does seem a little creepy. You have capitalised some words unnecessarily, so you need to go through and check your grammar. Apart from that, there's nothing glaringly obvious to comment on. I found it a little confusing at first, but that's partially because I misread the title, so maybe it's just me.
Well-written though, so good job!
Valentine
The word "dead" caught me eye. As I read the poem, and sat thinking about it, something seemed utterly wrong. The more I thought about that, the more absurd it seemed.
Why doesn't the writer want to die?
It seems that death should be a relief to him or her, even more so that there are angels in the midst of it. Other than that huge error, it was written well. Make sure to fix all your cant's and change them to can't. Also, make sure to place periods everywhere, or nowhere.
Valentine